On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

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The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

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United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.  

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:  'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'


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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'


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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..'

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'