These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services:

 

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
 
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
 
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
 
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Don't forget your husbands."
 
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
 
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m.  Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
 
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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