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Courtroom Blunders
| From a defendant representing himself... Defendant: Did you
get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I
saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant:
I should have shot you while I had the chance.
========================================================= Judge:
The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the
chickens.
======================================================== Lawyer:
How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they
should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are
obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I
think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
======================================================== Lawyer
questioning his client on the witness stand... Plaintiff's
Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained
while at work? Plaintiff: Dr. J. Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what
kind of physician is Dr. J? Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I
remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
======================================================= Judge:
Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge:
Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want
them to know it.
======================================================= Lawyer:
Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer:
Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at
the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed
partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder
than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and
somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and
another guy came up with a r ifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was
shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
=======================================================
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender
isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you
have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender:
I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
======================================================= Judge:
Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel
Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of
your name. Not a damn thing.
======================================================== Judge:
You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to
say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
=======================================================
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I
address the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you
a son of a bitch, what would you do? Judg e: I'd hold you in
contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant:
What if I thought you were a son of a bitch? Judge: I can't do
anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant:
In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch. |
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