The President of the congregation went to
visit the Rabbi in the hospital,
who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.
He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to
8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"
Three
couples - one elderly, one middle-aged and
one young (newly wed) - wanted to join a
Jewish temple.
The rabbi said, "We have special
requirements for new congregants. You must
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end
of two weeks.
The rabbi went to the elderly couple and
asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all,
rabbi."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!"
said the rabbi.
The rabbi went to the middle-aged couple and
asked, "And were you able to abstain from
sex for the two weeks as well?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too
bad. On the second week I had to sleep on
the couch for a couple of nights, but yes,
we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the temple!"
said the rabbi.
The rabbi then went to the young, newlywed
couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No, rabbi, we were not able to go without
sex for the two weeks," the young man
replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the rabbi.
"Well, we made it though the first week, but
then my beautiful wife was reaching for a
can of paint on a high shelf and she dropped
it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
overcome with lust... and that was that."
"You understand, of course, this means you
will not be welcome in our temple," stated
the rabbi.
"We figured as much," said the young man.
"We're not welcome at "Home Depot" anymore
either."
A car full of
ladies from the Temple Beth Israel fund
raising committee
is in a terrible accident. They arrive at the
Pearly Gates where Saint
Peter is waiting.
The women want to get into Heaven, so Saint
Peter looks through the
book, but can't find them listed in the New
Arrivals section.
"I'm sorry," Saint Peter says to them, "but I
can't find you in the
book, there must be some mistake."
With that, he sends them down to Hell. A week
later, God asks Saint
Peter, "What happened to those Jewish ladies
who were supposed to be
here?"
"You mean the ones from Temple Beth Israel?"
Saint Peter asks. "I didn't
see them listed, so I sent them to Hell."
"You what?" God asks outraged, "I wanted them
here. If you want to keep
your job Saint Peter, you better call Satan
and get them back up here
ASAP."
St. Peter gets on the phone and calls Hell.
Satan answers.
St. Peter says, "Satan you know those Jewish
ladies I sent down there
last week? Well I really need them up here.
Could you please send them
back?
"No way," Satan replies. "They're here two
days and they've already
raised $100,000 for an air conditioning
system."
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his
mother, Mrs. Goldberg, he has fallen in
love and is going to get married. He says
to his mother, "Just for fun, Momma,
tomorrow I'm going to bring three women to
your house to meet you, and you can try
and guess which one I'm going to marry."
Of course, Mrs. Goldberg agrees.
The next day he brings three beautiful women
into his mother's house and sits them all
down on her couch. They chat for a while
with Mrs. Goldberg, who serves them coffee
and pastries.
That evening, after the three women have
left Mrs. Goldberg's home, the son says,
"Okay, Momma. Guess which one I'm going to
marry."
She immediately replies, "The redhead."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did
you know?"
"I don't like her."
Four young novice nuns were about to take
their vows. Dressed in their white
gowns, they came into the chapel with the
Mother Superior, and were about to
undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus,
making them "brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four
Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes,
long sideburns and long beards came in and sat
in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am
honored that you would want to share
this experience with us, but do you mind if I
ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the
groom's family."
"Another
Jewish Survivor"
Professor Jacobs was on the trans Pacific
cruise ship
when one evening he slipped off the newly
polished deck
and went overboard. Alas, nobody saw him
fall off the ship
and he was on his own in the Pacific.
Fortunately, his
parents had followed the Talmudic dictum
"If you want to
save your son's life, teach him to
swim." So swim he did.
Lots of swimming.
After an hour, Prof. Jacobs spots an island
and swims to it.
He is now safe from drowning. The island has
plenty of trees
and edible plants, some goats, and plenty of
fresh water.
Good! He can live like a "Rabinowitz
Curusoe" on this island.
Being a scholar of ancient literature, he
quipped to himself
and to HaShem, this is "Gilgamesh's
Island and I am the
Professor."
Several years pass and an Israeli freighter
passes nearby the
island. It sees the signs of a castaway on
it. So the captain
and several of the crew take a rubber boat
out to the island.
Captain Levi steps ashore and is greeted by
Prof. Jacobs.
Before leaving the island, the Professor
show Captain Levi
around the island. The Captain is amazed.
Professor Jacob's
hut is nicely built. There's a stable of
goats for milking, a dug
out cellar of goat cheese and island berry
wine (excellent for
kiddush). Solar heated water for bathing.
Nice!
Then Captain Levi spots a clearing with two
straw and wood
huts, each has a Magen David on it.
"What are those huts?"
asks the Captain.
"Oh, the one on the left is a schul,"
replies the Professor.
"What's the other one?"
"That's another schul."
"Why two synagogues?"
"The one on the left is my traditional
schul. The one on the
right is very reform, and I would never be
caught dead in it."
THE JEWISH COUNTRY CLUB
Danny Thomas, that excellent comedian of Lebanese extraction and the proud possessor of a majestic hooked nose, told his audience once of having been honorary member at a country club reserved for Jews only. It was because of his own Christianity that he could not become a real member, and he remained a guest only.
He argued with the membership committee, pointing out that by restricting membership on religious grounds they were every bit as bigoted as were those country clubs who would not admit Jews. To set an example they ought to nonrestrict membership.
Finally, and reluctantly, the members of the country club agreed, and such artificial restrictions as race and religion were lifted.
Rejoicing, Danny Thomas rushed down to be the first Gentile to join as a member under the new dispensations -- and was refused!
Astounded, he said, "But why?"
And he was told. "Because we're going to a lot of trouble to let in Gentiles, and if we're going to let in Gentiles, we want them at least to look like Gentiles!"
This past season in New York, business was so bad the dress manufacturers were firing their sons-in-law.
A RABBI'S ADVICE
Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
A
woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a
man gets on the bus and sits down next to
her. He's wearing a black hat, long black
coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a
long curly dark beard. The woman looks at
him disgustedly. "Jews like you,"
she hisses at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says,
"I beg your pardon, madam?" She
says, "Look at you. All in black, a
beard, never take off your hat! It's Jews
like you that give the rest of us a bad
name." He says calmly, "I beg your
pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. I'm
Amish." The woman looks back and
smiles, "How nice. You've kept your
customs."
Q
- What did the waiter ask the group of dining
Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
A
Jewish boy comes home from school and tells
his mother he's been given a part in the
school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish
husband." The mother scowls and says...
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."
Jewish
telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
5759
Year according to Jewish calendar4696
Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 Total # of years that Jews went without
Chinese food
Two
Jewish mothers met for coffee. "Well
Ruthie, how are the kids?" "To
tell you the truth, my Abie has married
a slut! She doesn't get out of bed until
11, she's out all day spending his money
on God knows what, and when he gets home,
exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner
for him? Psha! She makes him take her out
to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"And Esther?" "Ah! Esther
has married a saint. He brings her breakfast
in bed, he gives her enough money to buy
all she needs, and in the evening he takes
her out to dinner at a smart restaurant."
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment
district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her blocks her
path, opens up his raincoat and flashes his wares. Unruffled, she takes a look and
remarks, "This you call a lining?"
Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists
invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage.
Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a
getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad
and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're
not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working
on my Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having ever said it
before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an
hour - ninety minutes long, tops."
They promise to grant him the wish. "Please," says the cantor, "after
50 years I've finally gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to
die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long -
then I'll go happily."
The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to the
shul president.
"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes, "Shoot me first!"
The first Jewish President of the United States
calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come
down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but
it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab
to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need
a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to
get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat
on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's
just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States!
I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land,
I'll to carry my luggage through the airport, and try
to get a cab...it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a
helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know,
I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so
expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President!
You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one."
During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor
and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."
The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his
forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."
Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a
pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the isle, kneels and puts
his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you
oh Lord, I am nothing."
The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when
the police raided the game.
Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said,
"Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven,
the priest whispered, "L*rd, forgive me for what I am about to do."
To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer;
I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked,
"Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders,
the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job.
He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church.
They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a
Jewish man to work here. After a week, he is told, "Max, things are
working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash
your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water.
Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom,
do not hang it on the cross.
Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
Cohen approaches the secretary of the burial society. "I'm here because my wife is
dead, and I have to arrange for her funeral." "Your wife is dead?" asks the
secretary. "How can that be? We buried your wife two years ago!" "No,
no," says Cohen. "That was my first wife. This was my second."
"Really?" says the secretary. "I didn't know you got married again. Mazel
Tov!"
 |
