thatsRich! : : jokes!

These are the jokes, folks.

Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?

Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "Interesting" replied the boy. "What position did she play?

Behind the Scenes A guy works in the circus, following the elephants with a pail and shovel. One day, his brother comes to see him. He says, “Sam, I’ve got great news. I’ve got you a job in my office. You’ll wear a suit and tie, work regular hours, and start at a nice salary. How about it? Sam says, “What? And give up show business?

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation. To improve their chances of having a real vacation, they decided not to wear anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying their drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead, gorgeous, blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. When she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits - outfits so loud you could hear them coming before you even saw them. Once again, they settled down on the beach to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, said "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Just a minute young lady," he said. "Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?" "Father, it's me, Sister Veronica."

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. Interviewer: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base" ? General Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting "..... Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it..."? General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range"..... Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children "....? General Reinwald: "I don't see how, .... we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm "..... Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers"..... General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you "....? ..... the radio went silent and the interview ended !!!!

Animal thoughts. Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!" Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule, and I am pumping crap out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"

ONE LINE ONLY An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great," says the actor, "what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it's a one-liner." "That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent. "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening." The actor is so excited he got the job, that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the heck are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar?' You're late, get up to makeup straight away." So, he runs up to makeup. "Who the heck are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? You're late, sit down here." Then, she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on." So, he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? Get on there, the curtains about to go up!" So, he runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts, "What the heck was that?!"

"I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller." "I thought they just hired a new teller last week." "Right. That's the one they're looking for."

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."

(warning--adult joke)

This lady's little schnauzer dog has the world's bushiest eyebrows, so he's constantly bumping into fire plugs, trees, beer trucks, you name it. She takes him into the vet to get the hair trimmed out of his eyes so he can see where he's going. The vet tells her that trimming a dog's eyebrows isn't a job for a doctor of veterinary medicine; she should do it herself--take the schnauzer to a dog trimmer, or perhaps use hair remover to do a more permanent job. So, she goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some hair remover. He says, "This is our best depilatory. Use it full strength on legs and half strength on underarms." She says, "But it's for my schnauzer." "Then use it quarter-strength and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."

Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives. Irv said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night." "Well, really," says Max. "I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"

A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to describe what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Coca Cola fizzled. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up. Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back." The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?" "Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated. The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"? "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it on the door. Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you." "Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you." After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime. Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out ? I haven't seen him for a while." The Senior Exec replied "Haven't you heard ? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky." "Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?" "Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'm there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries". Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

There was a man who was fed up with modern society, and decided to become a Monk. He checked out a number of monasteries and chose one he liked. The only reservation he had with it was that he had to take a vow of silence and could only say two words every one year. He took the vow and began his first year of service without saying a word. At the end of one long year he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say. His response was "FOOD BAD." And that was it for another year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After two years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say. His response was: "MORE BLANKETS." And that was it for another year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After three years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and asked what two words he would like to say. His response was: "I QUIT!" The head Monk answered back: "You might as well. You have done nothing but complain since you have been here!"

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

How dumb is he?The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt.

A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out..... "Watch out for the wall!"

Just out of the seminary, Father McLaughlin was assigned to a parish in Chicago. Three weeks after he arrived, Father McLaughlin walked into the church and stopped dead in his tracks. Kneeling at the altar, praying, was Jesus Christ. The young priest rushed into his superior's office. "Father Conlon," he exclaimed. "Come quick! Our Savior is in the church!" The two men rushed back into the church and sure enough, there was Christ at the Altar. "What should we do?" whispered Father McLaughlin. "Look busy!" answered the older priest.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?!" The man below says, "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering thirty feet above this field." "You must work in engineering," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "And you must be a corporate manager." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed. The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

A horse walked into the lounge and approached the bar. The bartender said, "Hey, what's with the long face?"

The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers.

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "Yes! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "I just bit my tongue."

Why did the Siamese twins go to England? So the other one could have a chance to drive!

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. The police officer walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up and obligingly cranked down the car window. The boyish looking driver said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what's she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "And how old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man replied after glancing at his watch, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.". "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?". "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

If a man is alone, deep in the forest, and makes a sound, even with no woman there to correct him, is he still wrong?

Two guys are walking their dogs on a hot day. The first guy, who has a Doberman, says 'Hey let's go in that bar and grab a cold beer'. The second guy, who has a Chihuahua, says 'They won't let us in with our dogs!' The first guy says 'No problem, we'll tell 'em that they're seeing-eye dogs.' The first guy goes into the bar and the bartender says, 'Hey! You can't come in here with that dog!' The first guy says, 'This is my seeing-eye dog...Dobermans are much better than German Shepards...smarter and stronger.' The bartender lets him in. The second guy goes into the bar and the bartender says 'Hey! you can't come in here with that dog!' The second guy says, 'It's OK, he's my seeing-eye dog.' The bartender says 'A Chihuahua?' The second guy says 'What? They gave me a Chihuahua?

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "I didn't recognize you.

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?" "Yes," he replied. "Did you kill her?" "Yes, he replied." "It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?" "Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A married couple was having dinner out when a statuesque brunette approached, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "If you must know. That was my mistress." "Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" The husband looked her straight in the eye. "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, our vacation home in Mexico?" For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, she nudged him. "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That's HIS mistress." "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah. Sure," says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Two men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a Frenchman were approached by a reporter. "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" Saudi: "What's a shortage?" Russian: "What's meat?" North Korean: "What's an opinion?" Frenchman: "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

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