Humans existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains
during the summer & would go to the
coast and live on fish and lobster
in winter.
The 2 most important events in all
of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer. These were the foundation
of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting
of humanity into 2 distinct
subgroups: Liberals and
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it
required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither
the glass bottle nor aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our
early human ancestors were sitting
around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to
the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking
and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative
movement."
Other men who were weaker and less
skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair
dressing. This was the beginning of
the Liberal movement. Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
Some noteworthy liberal
achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention
of group therapy and group hugs and
the concept of Democratic voting to
decide how to divide the meat and
beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came
to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth,
the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer
(with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled
water. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu,
and French food are standard liberal
fare.
Another interesting revolutionary
side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than
their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood
and group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't "fair"
to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer.
They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives,
athletes, soldiers, economists, and
generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing.
They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America
.
They crept in after the Wild West
was tame and created a business of
trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world
history:
It should be noted that a Liberal
may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will
simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history
that it will be forwarded
immediately to other "true
believers" and immediately have
another beer.
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