"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne Boosler

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." --Drew Carey

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." --Yakov Smirnoff

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Johnathan Katz


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