This is the time of year when we think
back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise
Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the
baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them
carefully, we discover an important, yet often
overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of
wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper,
Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were
inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was
festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth
unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper!
Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his
eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means
that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.
This is because the people giving those gifts had two
important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand
the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody
else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this
is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of
two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he
ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I
don't want to be there when the person opens it." The
other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per
gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy
wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones
that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my
motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can
take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the
exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a
regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding
and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift
peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a
marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the
field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body
would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square
of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My
wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things.
If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she
wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very
close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were
possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills
like having babies that come more naturally to women
than to men. That's why today I'm presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already
wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither
one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an
item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing
a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally
and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid
starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a
hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it
inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows
on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is
sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas
morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the
tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf
blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not
what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing,
during this very special time of year, is that you save
the receipt.
This was being sent around with no accreditation,
but it is obviously a Dave Barry column and needs to be
credited.
